Pay Attention to Everything They Do

 My brother and I have had a tumultuous relationship for years and my mental illness diagnoses didn’t help matters. We are still trying to have a normal relationship but he pushes back and doesn’t try to understand what I’m going through. About a year ago, we got into an argument and he accused me of blaming him for all of my problems. We don’t talk anymore and barely communicate.

Last night I had a dream where everything came to a head, where I had no choice but to leave his home after an argument. As I walked through the town, I ran into unsavory characters and was eventually forced to defend myself with a knife. In a voice over, it was revealed that I died in prison. (yes, my dream went from first person view to third person)

I know that this was caused by my continuing unease with our relationship but I am at a loss as to how to make things better. My family “supports” me but they don’t really. In most things I am segregated from the communication that goes on. My sister, who is closest to normally communicating with me, sends me the occasional text, usually asking if I can look after her dogs again. The rest of my family has me on the outside, never contacting me. There is even a group text on Facebook including my mother, brother, sister, nieces and nephew but not me. They all chat every day but I was never included.

When you have any sort of illness, one of the things you crave is to be understood, if only a little and people make an effort to do so when that illness is physical. However, it seems to me that when that illness is mental the effort is minimal at best. Maybe that’s because it’s impossible. I don’t really know but an effort in at least trying to communicate would be nice. 

I don’t know. Maybe I'm just tilting at a windmill. Maybe I’m trying to accomplish what cannot be done, at least on my part and I can’t affect how others behave but when you feel alone and your illnesses are telling you to isolate, it would be appreciated if it felt like anyone, and I mean anyone, made an effort other than myself. Perhaps I simply don’t matter that much to them. 

Randy Pausch once gave a piece of advice when it comes to dating. “Ignore everything they say and pay attention to everything they do.” I have applied that to all my relationships and it has become apparent which friendships are real and which are there for convenience only. I don’t want to apply that standard to my family because I am terrified that if I do, I’ll be completely alone marching through a seedy town of loneliness which will eventually kill me.