I'm not ok.

Eight years ago, I was forced to move in with my mother after a nervous breakdown and near suicide. She has never understood just how bad off I was and still am most days. I know this because she has told me so and I have stopped sharing with her as a result.

I can deal with all that but what really bothers me right now is when someone asks how I am handling things she says he's doing fine, being polite and not wanting to worry anyone, convincing herself that if she doesn't ask me she can assume I'm ok.

But I'm not ok. I'm barely sleeping through the night, taking two or three naps throughout the day. I'm functioning for two hours tops out of every twenty four. I'm fighting back tears every day. Due to her age and immunocompromised state, I have to self isolate as if I've been exposed to COVID or the town is in complete lockdown. 

Yesterday, I wanted to go to my old work, a local restaurant, just to have coffee and get out for a while but I had to choose to stay home instead, protecting her health. See, I don't care if I die of COVID but I can't take her down with me so I remain locked inside my condo like a prisoner and zit is not good for my mental health. I look forward to having to take the garbage downstairs so I can have five minutes to myself. 

I don't know how much longer I can do this. When the vaccine becomes available I'm hoping she'll get it but I cannot, due to my own immunocompromising medication. If she doesn't get it, then I'll be trapped at home until herd immunity is reached, around another year from now. 

I get through life day by day, my mental health dragging me down. I'm about to have another cup of coffee, something I seldom do, because my brother and his family are coming to town. My mother has decided that she wants to break provincial health guidelines and meet up with them, to which I'm being dragged along. So, I have to stay awake rather than going back to bed. I won't be in great shape no matter what I do so, although it's only 6:30am I'm going to be spiking this coffee with whiskey in an attempt to keep awake and mellow at the same time. I'm beyond the occasional day drinking, moving on to morning drinking: self medication at its finest.

I hope you all have a better day than what I am about to endure.

Be well.