What Goes Around

(Fall, 2013)

Last summer, as my mental illness pushed me over the edge, a defensive behavior of mine became uncontrollable and I pushed my friends out of my life at a shocking rate. I'm not saying that what they did and how I was being treated wasn't uncalled for but pretending what they had done didn't happen was, perhaps, the worst possible decision but it was also the only decision I could live with at the time. I hurt my friends greatly by doing so and after apologizing, some have forgiven me while others have completed what I tried to accomplish. I can't blame any of them for the decisions they have made. As my counselor used to say to me, "Most people are doing the best they can at any particular moment and we should remember the times when we hurt people by doing the best we could at the time."

Now karma has come back to haunt me. Two of my oldest friends, the ones I thought I could trust the most, have decided that the best thing for our friendship right now is not to be friends and no matter how many times I tell myself that they're doing the best they can, I still am pained a great deal. I really didn't need an education of how much I had hurt them and others in the past.  Nights of tears and strained apologies with vicious sobbing have scarred my heart, marking it for the rest of my life with a brand that will always remind me of the pain I caused even after I am finally able to forgive myself.

Five and a half years ago, a friend that I had found the courage to tell me how some of the things I was doing had hurt her. They weren't big things but they had bothered her and she was right to tell me but in the mental place I was in I couldn't see how hard it had been for her to tell me these things and instead I only saw how much it was hurting me to hear it. I felt like I was being attacked and that she had lied to me for so long rather than telling me the truth months before. I was self absorbed and had been unable to see the courage it took for her to risk exposing a piece of herself and jeopardize our friendship by bringing the conflict to the forefront.

Today I think of a friend that has done the same to me. After multiple occurrences of being treated like my time and emotions don't matter and conversations about it I put my foot down and said that I thought she needed to reexamine what her priorities were with our friendship. She replied much like I had five years ago with my other friend, pushing me away but throwing out another excuse like having reasons for her actions justified them. As I look at where we are I see that I need to keep perspective and give her the time to work through everything she's feeling. Knowing that I need to step back isn't making it any easier to give her the space she says she needs but if I make the mistake of pushing now I may never be able to speak to her again.

I also have another friend that trusted me with a serious problem she was having necessitating a move out of her current living situation right away. I did something that I would have never done in the past, throwing my life to the side and making myself as available as she needed to help her with the move. In the past I'd have found or created a reason to be too busy or simply unavailable to help, avoiding actually making an effort of any kind. To my surprise, my offer of help was returned with an accusation of having ulterior motives and I was accused of trying to take advantage of her situation to my advantage romantically.  Despite a wordy explanation of everything the accusations persisted and I was forced to withdraw the offer, fearful that if I pushed her the depression she's been battling for years would do to her as it had once done to me.

I was right to fear but too late in action to prevent her pulling away. I don't know exactly what's going on in her mind but I only know that I'm no longer welcome to be a part of her life and although that may change in the future I have no control and having to allow her to step away is rather difficult.

All I want right right now is a single friend I feel like I can be honest with and will understand. I don't actually believe in karma but if anyone wanted to make a case for it now might be the time because I feel a little like the Universe is punishing me, trying to teach me a lesson that I've already learned.

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to learn it a second time.