July 1st
So, because we didn’t get to talk before you got checked into the hospital, I’ve decided to write this running blog of my thoughts. Not because I’m obsessing but because I just need a place to open up my mind and let my thoughts spill out. Maybe I’ll share this with you one day, in part or as a whole. I honestly don’t know right now. I just know that my mind is messing with me and if I don’t let it all out I’m going to implode.
I know the specific reason for this. It’s because you didn’t call me before you went in and my mind is telling me what are probably untruths, that you are secretly hiding from me and don’t want me to ever contact you again. Like I said, it’s my mind playing tricks on me but my self esteem is not very good and you said that you tend to isolate and push away from people you care about.
All I know is that when you get out, communication is going to be the key to us getting along in whatever manner that turns out to be because not communicating is dangerous for both of us.
So I just finished watering my friend’s gardens and potted plants. The sprayer nozzle at the garden is broken and sprays everywhere other than the place you want the water to actually go so I am soaked from head to toe while sitting in an air conditioned Starbucks writing this. I’m finding that I wish you shared your face on the videos you ‘ve uploaded to tiktok because I’ve gotten used to seeing your face every couple of days. Ya, I know. That’s a little pathetic. I’m well aware that I have the worry of over smothering you due to your trust issues. I’m trying to back off so I don’t scare you away.
I’m just worried about you and I wish you had your phone so I could get a message from you saying you’re not crying yourself to sleep each night or that if you are, it’s gonna be ok.
My latest chapter in my book has turned into an essay on the combination of shame and struggling to put my welfare first. I don’t mean the relatively simple things like shaving my beard or going for a couple km walk every few days. I mean the deep down stuff that you’re probably delving into as well.
I guess with all I’m trying to say is that I miss you and would have liked to tell you that in person rather than here. 🙁
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Damn. I just saw that you were active two hours ago on Tiktok, so now I don’t know why you haven’t replied but the thoughts that come into my head are definitely negative. If you don’t want to talk to me, just tell me. I can take it. If you need space, just say it. I’d rather exist in the reality of rejection than the limbo you just put me into.
