Splat

“Do something each day that scares you.”

Today will be a day of things that scare me.

I’m sitting in A&W, not my comfortable Starbucks, trying to write and it is loud. There are 30 seniors in here enjoying their morning while I am trying to concentrate. I hate it here. It is triggering my anxiety.  I should have just stayed home. The only thing I can write about is how unable I am to write about the things I need to write about. Sitting here scares me.

After this, I have an appointment with my doctor to have him look at a strange thing growing on my leg. It’s not a cyst, it’s not a zit. It’s a lump, an irregular lump that is weeping. It’s everything they tell you to worry about when they warn us about skin care and warning signs of cancer. I’m scared. Of all the ways to go, cancer is not the one I want to face. I will NEVER allow myself to get to that point. I will take care of things on my own before I would ever let that happen.

After that, I have to talk to my friend about being my power of attorney and making end of life decisions. Having just watched what happened with my uncle and his family, I want everything put down on paper, in nice legal ink. My family may not like my decisions but I don’t really care. How my life ends is the ultimate expression of bodily autonomy and I’ll be damned before I let someone else make that decision for me. I trust my friend. Of everyone I have talked to about what I really think about my life and where I am mentally, it’s he whom I trust the most to carry out my wishes. I am not, Lieutenant Dan from Forest Gump, begging to fulfill his death destiny. Fuck that. I will take control of my own destiny. I have been a slave to what the world has put me through for 45 years and I refuse to allow my life’s end to be something I have no control over it.

Having said all that, knowing my luck I will die without even seeing it coming.

“Watch that bus.”
“What bus?”

Splat.

Leave it to my life to remove the one time I try to take back control.