One of the near-constant plot threads throughout the series The West Wing is alcohol addiction. There are many episodes where the Chief of Staff's alcoholism is the keystone of everything going on. In one episode in particular, “Bartlet for America”, Chief of Staff Leo McGarry takes a drink for the first time in years but doesn't stop with just one, because alcoholics don't have a drink. They have drinks. And they don't do it in front of other people, they do it alone because they are ashamed and afraid that no one will understand and that they will be seen as weak.
The DVD commentary for this episode was done by series creator and writer Aaron Sorkin and the actor who played the Chief of Staff, John Spencer. Both of these men have dealt with addiction in their lives so it is from experience that they can discuss the shame of the lies that come with trying to hide such a sadly integral part of their lives. Spencer also discusses the incredible amount of freedom that comes with finally telling the truth.
While I did use alcohol as a self medication and I definitely abused it at times in my life I never had problems choosing not to drink the way that an alcoholic does. If I decided I'd had enough, I would just stop even if that meant leaving alcohol in the glass in front of me. And yet I can totally understand what these men are talking about as they discuss the lies which they told to hide their addiction and the freedom that one experiences when they finally are able to tell the truth, without the fear of judgement from the people around them. I spent nearly my entire life lying, trying to protect myself from the illness that was desperately trying to destroy my life not knowing that it was the lies that was allowing that destruction to occur.
I've known for years how important this freedom is to me and how central it is for me in trying to function on a regular basis. Life would be a lot easier for me to deal with if I went back to the lies. I could probably even lie myself into believing I could hold down a job but the appearance of healthiness would be short-lived. It doesn't matter how well you lie to yourself and others, the truth will eventually bite you hard enough to stop you where you stand, often when you least expect it and when it is the most damaging to your life and relationships.
I catch myself lying from time to time, a reaction to a specific moment, a form of puffery subconsciously intended to make myself seem more important or more liked to the person I'm speaking to. I work hard to catch myself when I do this and if possible admit to the person I just lied to that I did it. Only recently did I understand where a part of the impulse comes from.
There are tens of thousands of characters in fiction whom we love and cherish who are known for turning their lives into a series of blown up adventures, exaggerations on what really occurred. The other characters think of them as only telling tall tales and because we all they know they lie, they don't believe them and can see them as charming and endearing. Anyone watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother knows this. The character of Barney Stinson is well known for his ability to manipulate people by exaggerating the truth, especially the opposite sex, into getting what he wants. However, from a third-party point of view, watching it in a television show may be funny, charming and almost lovable but to the characters inside his life, the reality is he would probably be insufferable, never trusted, and alone if it weren't for the ladies he was able to manipulate into going home with him.
I know that there are people in my life now often uncomfortable with the fact that I no longer lie, as strange as that sounds. Because I tell the truth they are exposed to the thoughts which I deal with on a daily basis, hearing about my illnesses in a blunt unshameful manner, and telling them how I really feel about myself. It hurts me to know that telling such blunt truths around them makes them feel this way. Yet I do it because it's not only the only way for my relationship with them to survive, it's the only way for me to survive. Like an alcoholic, if I was to feed that addiction again I have no idea where I would end up but I do know that I would hurt every single person who cares about me in the process. Strangely, Aaron Sorkin hinted at what that aftermath might look like.
Early on in the series, a secretary who had grown up with an alcoholic father asks the character of Leo what would happen if he took a drink. Leo responded, “I don't know. But probably a nightmare the likes of which both our fathers experienced. And me too.”
My greatest fear isn't how much I may hurt people if I take my life and leave this planet. My greatest fear is how much I could potentially hurt them by finding the courage to stay.
The DVD commentary for this episode was done by series creator and writer Aaron Sorkin and the actor who played the Chief of Staff, John Spencer. Both of these men have dealt with addiction in their lives so it is from experience that they can discuss the shame of the lies that come with trying to hide such a sadly integral part of their lives. Spencer also discusses the incredible amount of freedom that comes with finally telling the truth.
While I did use alcohol as a self medication and I definitely abused it at times in my life I never had problems choosing not to drink the way that an alcoholic does. If I decided I'd had enough, I would just stop even if that meant leaving alcohol in the glass in front of me. And yet I can totally understand what these men are talking about as they discuss the lies which they told to hide their addiction and the freedom that one experiences when they finally are able to tell the truth, without the fear of judgement from the people around them. I spent nearly my entire life lying, trying to protect myself from the illness that was desperately trying to destroy my life not knowing that it was the lies that was allowing that destruction to occur.
I've known for years how important this freedom is to me and how central it is for me in trying to function on a regular basis. Life would be a lot easier for me to deal with if I went back to the lies. I could probably even lie myself into believing I could hold down a job but the appearance of healthiness would be short-lived. It doesn't matter how well you lie to yourself and others, the truth will eventually bite you hard enough to stop you where you stand, often when you least expect it and when it is the most damaging to your life and relationships.
I catch myself lying from time to time, a reaction to a specific moment, a form of puffery subconsciously intended to make myself seem more important or more liked to the person I'm speaking to. I work hard to catch myself when I do this and if possible admit to the person I just lied to that I did it. Only recently did I understand where a part of the impulse comes from.
There are tens of thousands of characters in fiction whom we love and cherish who are known for turning their lives into a series of blown up adventures, exaggerations on what really occurred. The other characters think of them as only telling tall tales and because we all they know they lie, they don't believe them and can see them as charming and endearing. Anyone watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother knows this. The character of Barney Stinson is well known for his ability to manipulate people by exaggerating the truth, especially the opposite sex, into getting what he wants. However, from a third-party point of view, watching it in a television show may be funny, charming and almost lovable but to the characters inside his life, the reality is he would probably be insufferable, never trusted, and alone if it weren't for the ladies he was able to manipulate into going home with him.
I know that there are people in my life now often uncomfortable with the fact that I no longer lie, as strange as that sounds. Because I tell the truth they are exposed to the thoughts which I deal with on a daily basis, hearing about my illnesses in a blunt unshameful manner, and telling them how I really feel about myself. It hurts me to know that telling such blunt truths around them makes them feel this way. Yet I do it because it's not only the only way for my relationship with them to survive, it's the only way for me to survive. Like an alcoholic, if I was to feed that addiction again I have no idea where I would end up but I do know that I would hurt every single person who cares about me in the process. Strangely, Aaron Sorkin hinted at what that aftermath might look like.
Early on in the series, a secretary who had grown up with an alcoholic father asks the character of Leo what would happen if he took a drink. Leo responded, “I don't know. But probably a nightmare the likes of which both our fathers experienced. And me too.”
My greatest fear isn't how much I may hurt people if I take my life and leave this planet. My greatest fear is how much I could potentially hurt them by finding the courage to stay.
