What next?
Other people with BPD often ask me what I think of DBT therapy and I hesitate to answer the question. While I did learn some skills on how to cope, i found the basic premise to be at conflict with itself. I was asked to believe it would work even though I had no reason to.
I was asked to take it on faith. I was asked to hope without reason.
Ever since I left religion I have had no ability to do that. I need evidence that something is true. I need facts. I need something upon which I can bootstrap the rest of my thoughts and ideas. Without it, I am a mind floating through the air like a helium filled balloon, subject to the gusts of my emotions. Often gentle, but sometimes gale-force, they push my psyche to and fro, up and down. There is a narrow band of usefulness in which it must remain or bad things happen. If it goes too high, the pressure builds until it pops from the inside. If it slows and drags on the ground, it may come to a stand still, or slowly erode the plastic until a small hole forms, allowing the helium to slowly leak out leaving it lifeless on the concrete.
But even if its within that narrow band of usefulness, there are obstacles a plenty which could snag it or do it damage. Trees could stop it in its tracks and although it is full and healthy, it will never move again. There may even be mischievous little boys with BB guns, trying actively to bring it down to their level.
Right now, I am low, on the ground. Another potential path to the open sky has been closed and a reason for hope seems further away than ever.
I don't want a whole lot in life. I don't want tonnes of money. I don't want fame or glory. I'm at the point where I don't want the things that most people have. A car, a family, a job, a hobby.
I'd just like to get up each day and see the morning as a good thing. It doesn’t even have to be for me. If I could see a positive outlook for humanity, I could find a way to help fight for it but I don't.
Global climate change is going to alter the world in more ways than we can imagine. In America, they are caging children, refusing to pass laws which keep guns out of violent people's hands, taking money away from special needs kids to build more bombs, taking health care away from millions to build a pointless wall.
Even here in Canada, it is getting bad. Right wing, religious extremists are trying to force their racism upon us all and succeeding. We are choosing energy and money over food and clean water. We are protecting gangsters and caging people for asking why.
Society is breaking down and there's nothing I can do about it. A friend once pointed out that i can't solve all the world's problems, and I think I'm about ready to stop trying.
Live in the now. Enjoy the present. Seize the day. Make now always the most important time because now will never come again.
But I don’t think I can. With no reason to believe that tomorrow will be better, as a conscious world or a selfish me, I see no reason for hope. All I have left is more pills, more numbness, more darkness, more aloneness. At what point is it right to just pull the plug? How deep and long does the coma of my life have to be before pity should be acted upon?
Maybe it's best that I don’t know the answer to that question. Maybe the answer would propel me to act. I don’t know but the limbo I'm in today is grating my skin, wearing away layer after layer.
The gas is beginning to escape.
