In Canada, you can drink at 19.
My friends and family forgot my 19th birthday. I bought a 6 pack of Coors light and drank it alone in our basement.
When I was 23, I was in love and had been dating the girl I fell for in high school. Although she could have stayed in town for my birthday, she left the day before because she didn't want to deal with holiday traffic.
I turned 40 the winter after I had my breakdown, choosing not to die, to struggle, to suffer because I realized I couldn't hurt my mother like that. On that birthday, I ordered myself a pizza and ate it in my bedroom.
I've gotten used to my birthday falling through the cracks. It's always just after new years and it seems everyone is done with celebrating.
I tried to put it aside this year. Despite still living on disability, I baked 5 types of cookies for family and neighbors, I took my mother out for Christmas eve, and blew over $100 so she could play some slot machines. I cooked Christmas dinner for all the family. I got my mom Ancestry DNA and spent money on my sister's family for gifts.
I got a pair of socks, a $3 bottle of sugar free mint coffee sweetner (I hate mint) and a box of egg replace so I could bake for myself if I wanted. My sister thanked my mother. For cooking dinner.
Today I found out my brother will be coming to town next week, two days after my birthday, staying with my sister and won't have time to even meet for a coffee.
One thing I learned in therapy was to speak out when you feel like your needs and emotions aren't being considered by those in your life. In 2017, after over 30 years of feeling like this I told friends and family that I felt neglected and unimportant. In Jan of this year, I went to the pub downstairs because they give you a free beer on your birthday.
Its hard to get through normal days. Five days from now, it wont be a normal day and I dont know how I'm going to make it through.
#anxiety #depression #bpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #mentalhealth #wellness
