Most days I spend 8-12 hours trying to reconcile two contradictory thoughts; that everyone in the world deserves a chance at a great, healthy, fulfilling life while I deserve to lie here and await my death. I logically know it's not logical but it doesn't make the process any easier.
Since my access to proper therapy, counseling and psychoanalysis is limited to one, 15 minute session every three months, I have to try and challenge these thoughts on a daily basis. I try to write about them and find a reason for the latter not to be true but I have failed constantly since October 1st of 2012. Six years is a long time to doubt every thought in one's brain, especially the ones which I feel I should be certain of and those I am certain are destructive despite them feeling so correct.
Once I clean my living space, finish my book, and ensure my mom is taken care of until.she passes away, I simply don't see any other reason to be here I'm i have no evidence that will ever change, or that I deserve for it to do so.
I have been single for nearly 20 years, not for lack of trying. No one depends on or needs me in a romantic way and I see no reason to think that will change in the future. Being alone, in constant mental and physical pain is draining and I find myself searching in vain to find an reason for hope that things will stay the same, rather than deteriorate, which is my current prognosis.
I long to be drunk each day, ignoring the struggle for even a little while but even if I had the means to afford that, or the destructive will, i must put my mother first which only serves to elongate my suffering, like a rubber band being pulled ever tighter. The glue of my obligation to my mother's health is the bond keeping the elastic together and when that eventually breaks, the band will snap back. I refuse to allow myself to be pulled taught like that, ever again.
